“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
“A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man” ― Arthur Schopenhauer
“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ― Robert Orben
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” ― Oscar Wilde
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”― Rodney Dangerfield
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”― Rodney Dangerfield
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”― Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ― Woody Allen
“I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.” ― Aleister Crowley
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ― Phyllis Diller
“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” ― Marilyn Monroe
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.” ― Bill Cosby
“Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class – Hope your surgery went well!”
― Simone Elkeles
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” ― George Carlin
“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”― Mark Twain
“We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.” ― Douglas Adams
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” ― Dave Barry
“Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
She took out a shiny folded pamphlet, the kind they kept stacked in clear plastic stands in hospital waiting rooms. “How to Come Out to Your Parents,” she read out loud. “LUKE. Don’t be ridiculous. Simon’s not gay, he’s a vampire.”― Cassandra Clare
“Why do boys say someone acts like a girl as if it were an insult?” ― Tamora Pierce
“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.”― Jane Wagner
“Revenge may be wicked, but it’s natural.” ― William Makepeace Thackeray
“Just think how many books I could’ve sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand.” -[On the success of 50 Shades of Grey]” ― J.K. Rowling
“I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.” ― Ron White
“Try patting them on the back or shoulder and telling them everything is going to be fine. Lots of times when girls cry, they don’t want you to fix the problem, they just want to be consoled.” ― Kiera Cass
“Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?” ― Connie Willis,
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.” ― Dave Barry
“Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Date”
1. You’re wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where’s the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You’re going to order that? Seriously?
10. You’re how old?”
― Gena Showalter